The Pickles In The Park

Have you ever just taken a random stroll to just think? Maybe you took a stroll because you were bored, or maybe because you were sad because you just weren't sure how to get rid of that herpes on your lip, you picked up on last weeks one night stand. Whatever the case, if you ever get in the predictament and you are not sure what to do, then go visit the pickles who live in the park under the slide. These pickles used to be young cucumbers who riped into wise old pickles with age. They may be sour but they sure are wise. I had a recent encounter with these pickles who gave me advice as long as I sucked them, so of course I did. They sure were sour but it was worth the 5 minutes of juices flowing into my mouth. It doesn't matter what advice I asked of the pickles other than it was good. They told me how beautiful I was and how as long as I know how to suck I can get anywhere in life. So as my little brother may say...."Oh suck a pickle" Do just that and your life will be ok!

The campfire that made me get lime disease.....

Do you like the outdoors? Do you like to camp? Like me maybe you like bonfires. Well when you get towards the ending to this story, you will think differently. I know I have. This not end in a funny way. It all started out as any ordinary day. The bird eggs were chirping. The rain was shining. And the sun was breezy. Dear Jess came over, she wanted to know if i wanted a bagel. Why yes I told her....I told her if i were lesbian and we weren't related I would make her my bitch. Well anyway she came on over. I had the yummy bagel. We decided that we should make a fire...So we then picked up guine pig, and went to the store. We got stuff to make smores and salt potatoes and some very flexible soft weenies. We decided to have a bon fire. So we went out to my woods, got some wood, because thats what usually grows in the woods. Thats when I saw "it". It was the staff that belonged to the grim reaper...So I grabbed it, and brought it back with me. Oh mighty one Jess was calling me. Oh hush I said. Go get hit in the face with some more wood. Oh but the wood isnt long or thick enough. Well then go find a big enough wood to slap in your face. As she happily accepted the wood to her cheek. In the meanwhile Im bending down in front of nick biting if flexible hot juicy tender weenie of his. I lay my mouth around it biting just the tip...MMM I say. Very tasty. I needed to finally go sit and pee so I went and I squat since I did not want to go all the way in my house....So after I went to check out all the big fat long pieces of wood in my yard...I noticed how thick they were, the rough texture of it....just staring at this long piece of wood, watching where it was going, it was just making me so hot, inside and out. We all conversed with one another...We got on a debate. We were wondering who spit, or who swallowed. Let's just ask? If you spit it is like throwing away your kids. You could spit them on an old hobo on the street, you could spit them into the pew at church. You could even spit them in a nasty bathroom stall with the shit still flaoting around in it....Then if you swallow, its like you are eating your kids....wouldn't that be like cannabalism? Just a thought. I know this is not all humored. It was meant to be humored, just wait til the end. So after the debate, we chit chatted about artichokes and snails. So Jess and Nick had to leave...Which left me with my brother. Lil did I know he was going to do something very nice for me that required my pants down. He decided to go to bed, as I decided I needed to pee. I went sat down on the potty, thats when I saw it......I thought it was a dead spider which was getting ready to make me horrified...Thats when I realized it was worse that a spider....It was a tick! As I screamed sitting on the toilet for tyler to come quick, as he thought it was a spider. This tick decided my thigh would make great chicken. This is how it came to be me pulling down my pants so he could take those handy dandy tweezers and pull that tick out, and it really hrut. So if you dont hear from me anymore....that means that tick got the best of me and Im bed ridden, with lime disease.

Elves who love tuna fish.

Apparently not all elves love cookies. I earlier heard, a little voice coming from down on the floor. "What is that?" I ask Jess? I don't know she says. Have you been eating more of them magick berries you picked outside? "No no jess not at all" I responed. I hear a little elf talking down here he is telling me to feed him. He wants some tuna fish! Feed me that fishy scent of tuna. MMM. I love that aroma the elf yelled. I am now told I'm crazy as she hits me in the head with a tampon. He needs the tuna jess, give him your tuna fish! I can't jess says. Gimme your damn tuna jess! I dont want to. The elf wants it jess, give it to him.....No I said no and no means no. Right now before i shove that dice up your nose. She finally gave in....so she then spread the buns apart....kneeled down and gave that elf her tuna fish sandwich.

Billy Bob the ferocious beast.

Oh I think I have mentioned Billy Bob before. The one about him and Lexi always getting it on. Well this is another post dedicated straight to my pupster. You see he really is a sweet dog. Sure he gets his share of ticks and fleas at times. All and all he is really good dog. He sleeps with me everynight. We share our ice cream, spaghettios, even that fresh morning brewed coffee.....Ahhh I can smell the aroma now...Oh wait thats my o sweet cup of orgasmic joe right here next to me...MMM.

Anywho back to Billy Bob....Sometimes he can be embaressing...Like when he is chasing Amish woman down the street, or yelling through the window at the big fat bald guy who tries his best. Even that running woman who he runs out and circles and growls for no reason, but she still manages to smile and call him a cutie pie. Oh thats Bill for you. He thinks he is bad to the bone...Like the other day there was a big vulture outside just walking my yard probably finding some mice or grasshoppers maybe even frogs for lunch. It was like today, a big fox came in my yard. You know and someone even owned this fox as a pet because he was wearing a collar. Unless that fox escaped the zoo but that is liek a long way to walk from here. Well so Bill saw this fox dog, and of course had to start in his bad ass instincts. "OWWWW OWWWW" Just like a howling wolf, until that fox trotted right back down my driveway down the road never to be seen again. Ohhh and the porcupines that dog thought he could take on, almost got his buddy porked in the face. TSK TSK. I won't even get into the wild goats, or the camels. Oh what a dog. But he is a really good best friend to the end!

No Twizzler Play

How many of you like twizzlers? Maybe you like the black icky licorice, or maybe the cherry pull-in peels. Maybe the little bites. Or maybe the chocolate flavors, or the fruity flavors. Either way, strawberry twizzlers are the best of them all. They are long, not very thick, but full of nummy yummy flavor. Take it from me, they can also be very dangerous. I have almost had my eye poked out with being in a fight with them. They do have very sharp edges. OWW. You know you don't want to walk around looking like a pirate for the rest of your life. Arrrr. They make good straws too. Just bite the two ends, stick it in your coffee like I do. Maybe even your liquor(psst, it will make it quicker;)). Anywho that is almost all I can say about twizzlers...One more thing....Too save yourself an embaressing moment from going to the hospital....Don't stick them where it's warm, wet, and moist, they might break off and get stuck...It isn't very fun...I know from Experience. Sadly.

1 Martini too many

So did you party a little too hard this New Years? Could you have loosened up that tight tush of yours, and had at least a few more drinks? Well I am here to tell you, I had a little too much. Four blenders full of martinis, yeah it was a bit much. Well you don't feel too good the next morning. This is what I am here to tell.
It all started at the mall two days before New Years Eve. When I insisted on going to Macy's to buy some nice drinking glasses. Well as we looked and looked. We found Marth Stewart did a fine job creating the set of 4 martini glasses we found for only $20. What a steal Martha, Thank you! Well anywho, we bought the glasses, and who do you think we ran into while in the mall? Good Ol' Huckleberry Jess. We decided to take her in and invite her back with us. So we headed off home.
Well, as we get home, we do boring things. Nothing interesting to speak of. Well New Years Eve came around the corner the next day. We decided to start out at 4:30. I made the first set of the lime martini in the blender. Before we knew it, we made the strawberry, then the pina coloda, then last strawberry. By time they were gone, I was gone also. The rest of the night was kind ofa blurr. I did find out I wanted to jump on every one's pogo stick the next day. Well I woke up and went to the store. Nick and I decided to go stop and get something to eat. We got taco wraps. Well when I got home, I went straight into the bathroom. Well my lunch ended up in the toilet. How the hell does chewed lettuce go back to being a full piece? It's kinda like when you eat corn, then you look and see that there are full pieces of corn in your chocolate raisens? Weird huh? Well that is really about it. Those martinis really kicked my ass, and I wished I would had kept a tight tush like all you other straight edged people. Good for you. Stay sober so you don't have to see $20 of yours in the toilet!

Fast Food Fun

Do you go through the drive-thru? Do you walk in and take your food to go? Or do you walk in and decide to go sit at a table and stuff your face there? Well I have done all three. Tonight, I was there with a few loyal friends, my boy friend, and my dear ol' friend Jessica. Here I go, the little fatty I am get the angus burger meal, Nick gets two snack wraps and a large fry. Him and I decided to go find us a table. That is when Jess comes back.....The little small maggot she is, she has a southern style chicken sandwich, a ten piece nugget....and a double cheeseburger! I guess she is what she eats....MOOOOOO.........So anywho we are having a nice dinner conversation, as I continue to tell my dear friend she should get a vibrator. I even told her I would show her how to use it. If she only knew what that big explosion felt like she would be at my feet right now begging me. No instead she was too concerned snatching mine and Nicks fries, trying to find the burnt and squishy ones! Here is the kicker....She was determining that they were burnt or squishy by smelling them...Is there a scent that jumps off into your ear and says "I am a burnt fry"....or, "I am a nice soggy fry...eat me, eat me!" So then we got up and left, before she could eat down the entire restaurant. She was on the verge to stealing those poor little kids happy meals! So we got her out of there as fast as we could. So we went to the gas station, that's when we sent our slave Nick out to pump gas, when the guy says "You need to come in and pre-pay." Ok so he went in and of course I needed a cappachino....All the while he is in there getting my french vanilla, the guy from inside contines to say, "You need to come in and pre-pay." As Jess and I are staring at each other wondering what tree he is smoking, since our guinea pig is inside....Oh well.....Not everyone can have intelligence, like Oprah.